💌Our Rom-Com-Induced Obsession with Banter

Decoding our favorite love language, addressing awkward conversations, and sharing some "caffeinated" recs.

Columbia Pictures

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It only makes sense that, for the first official issue of Caffeinated Commentary, I dive into the art of conversations — the good, the bad, the aspirational, and *sigh* … the awkward.

A couple months ago, I was out with my sister and some friends to watch a Florida Panthers game (spoiler: they won their first national championship!) when the topic of banter came up. My friends were discussing how, on some recent dates, the conversations were just…lacking. They weren’t flowing. “We weren’t clicking.” And it got us talking about our mutual desire for witty banter (the kind you hear in — you guessed it — movies).

When it comes to banter (namely, the sexual tension-filled kind), we humans are apparently moths to a flame. The LA Times published an entire article dedicated to the rise of “banter” as a buzzword — and non-negotiable — on dating apps like Tinder. For the record, I’ve never been, nor am I currently on any dating apps, so I wasn’t aware of this term’s growing popularity until I read the piece. That being said, it doesn’t take an article or an app for me to know why I, for one, love banter so much.

I am, as Krystal Bick puts it in her Instagram bio, an “unabashed cinephile” with a soft spot for romantic comedies. It’s ironic, considering I’ve long been the happily-single friend, but I’m an absolute sucker for the great rom-coms of the late 80s, 90s and 2000s. While the iconic soundtracks, famously corny lines and satisfying first kisses are undoubtedly part of their appeal, I think my adoration for these films is due largely in part to the conversations. How are they so damn good — and why can’t conversations feel this easy, flirty and fun in real life? (Yes, I’m aware, we’re talking about movies…but aren’t fictional stories somewhat inspired by real people and interactions?). In this streaming service day-and-age, we’ve been gifted with a surplus of top-tier banter between fictional characters in both romantic and platonic relationships. In the real world, interactions don’t always tend to feel as … sexy.

I feel like this is the part where Carrie Bradshaw’s voice should pop in to say, “I couldn’t help but wonder…” (on that note, say what you want about Carrie, but there’s no denying that the woman is a master when it comes to the art of witty banter).

Yes, these clever conversations are all pre-conceived and written for the screen — I’m well aware 🫠 — but banter is a real thing, and clearly something a lot of people are hoping and searching for when it comes to conversations and potential relationships. My question: is having a witty response repertoire dependent on one person’s sharp and comedic skillset, or rather the chemistry between two parties?

To reference the famous line in Notting Hill: I’m just a girl, standing in front of another person, asking our conversation to flow as if Amy Sherman-Palladino wrote us herself.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, as I’ve admittedly felt a shift in my comfort when it comes to the art of conversation. I’ve always considered myself to be an extrovert and “people person” (though I’ve certainly tapped into my introverted side more in recent years) and used to enjoy even the unexpected run-ins with people at the grocery store, warmed by the fact that I could engage in a short-and-sweet catch-up. But, at some point over the past few years, these casual conversations — sometimes, even ones with friends — started to feel a bit more like forced small talk. It breaks my heart to acknowledge this, because I’ve always been passionate about connecting with people (I studied interpersonal and organizational communication in college) but, from what I’ve gathered, I’m not alone. There’s a shared sentiment that conversations don’t feel as easy and natural as they once did.

So, what is it that has caused us to struggle with conversations and celebrate canceled plans? Why are we all suddenly sharing introvert-themed memes expressing how we want to avoid saying hi to our neighbors or running into old acquaintances in public? Why have we collectively continued to pull back socially, when there’s proof that our nation is suffering from a loneliness epidemic? Where, God, WHERE is the Anastasia-and-Dimitri-level banter I was promised as a child?!

I have a few thoughts (and would love to know yours):

1. Our obsession with social media (and maybe even streaming services?) is harming our ability to fully engage IRL and talk in real time (however, one thing I love about movies and shows: you never see people on their phones…very reminiscent of my lovely 90s/y2k childhood).

2. We’re still recovering from deep changes that took place within ourselves, and our relationships with others, during 2020/2021 — the pandemic, the *ongoing* politics…all of it.

3. We’re more exhausted than ever (I believe this has birthed a new wave of introverticism … and yes, I’m pretty sure I just made up that word)

4. Our comfort with/interest in conversation is directly correlated with how we feel about ourselves and where we’re at in life. A moment of honesty here: I am living with my parents (and sister…and six animals) in my hometown, which — though I’m full of gratitude for home and family — isn’t my ideal scenario or where I expected to be at this age. It’s been a few years since I made the move back home and I’ve increasingly dreaded the response I have to give when people ask, “So, where are you living now?” I think, when pieces of our lives aren’t exactly where we expected them to be — or where society tells us they should be — we feel a little shame and embarrassment, no matter how many times we remind ourselves that growth isn’t linear, and success and joy aren’t tied in with a timeline.

All that said, like most things in life, our confidence ebbs and flows, and I’ve thankfully rediscovered my love for these interactions after a few bouts of isolation. A few things that helped? 1. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone, both on a large scale (moving to NYC for two months) and small one (going to social events alone, even if I don’t know most of the people well). 2. Getting involved in my community. 3. Learning new skills and doing creative things that bring me joy (like writing this newsletter!) 4. Recognizing that some of the most rewarding social engagements are centered around something hands-on, creative or competitive: games (both sports and card/board games), crafts, volunteering projects, lessons/classes…they all have a fun and meaningful way of bringing people together sans liquid courage.

I’ve also had to remind myself that there’s beauty to be found in the silence, and active listening — a skill I learned in one of my college classes — will often make way for thoughtful and engaging conversations. My goal is to reimagine small talk as an art rooted in kindness — and remember that everyone I now love was once a stranger.

As for the banter, sometimes, I’ll surprise myself with a little Kat Stratford and Andie Anderson-level delivery. Other times, I feel like Josie Gellar.

Such is (real) life.

Here’s what’s been filling my cup:

🎥 Caffeinated Watching

• ⚔️ On the topic of banter, I really enjoyed binge watching Amazon Prime’s My Lady Jane, which is chock-full of sassy, flirty dialogue and centered around an enemies-to-lovers storyline (everyone’s favorite, irresistible rom-com trope). The show has had mixed reviews, but I thought it was a fun “rewrite of history.” If you like British humor, period pieces with a modern twist à la Bridgerton, romance, fantasy and adventure, you should give it a watch. (P.S. Emily Bader, who plays Jane, was recently cast as the lead actress in the film adaptation of Emily Henry’s People We Meet on Vacation).

• 👸🏻 Princess Diaries 2 just turned 20? Shut. Up. I can vividly remember watching this movie in the car on a family road trip to North Carolina, dreaming of mattress surfing and owning Mia’s massive walk-in closet. I was 12. Chris Pine was … older. I fell in love with him anyway (Mia and Nicholas were a defining enemies-to-lovers couple for me).

• 🌪️ Call it “Glenergy” or a “Glennaisance” — either way, I love seeing Glen Powell everywhere. It’s been fun to watch his career take off (an appropriate way to word it, given that he’s played an astronaut and military pilot). While I can remember his smaller roles in earlier films like Stuck in Love, like most of us, I fell in love with him in Set It Up. And again in Top Gun. And again in Anyone But You. Needless to say, I was thrilled when they announced him as a lead actor in the Twisters remake (I was obsessed with the 1996 Twister as a kid and spent too much time pretending I was a storm chaser) and let me just say … the man delivered. He’s giving early 2000s Matthew McConaughey vibes, and I’m so here for it. As for the film, my expectations were high, and it didn’t disappoint. The cast was great, the plot had me emotionally invested, and the visuals have come a long way since the original film. It was a loud, wild and entertaining summer blockbuster. Wish I had seen it in 4DX.

• 😲 Went to see Trap last weekend and was honestly shocked that I liked it. By no means is it my favorite M. Night Shyamalan film — nothing will ever compare to The Sixth Sense — but I found it clever, dark and wickedly fun. Love seeing Josh Hartnett resurface on our screens (his cameo in The Bear was an unexpected treat) and thought it was sweet that Shyamalan’s daughter, Saleka, plays a main role in the film, where she gets to showcase her vocal chops.

• 🌸 Excited to see It Ends With Us tomorrow night. I’ve heard great things (side note: can we talk about how gorgeous Blake Lively looks on the press tour? Seems like she’s having so much fun) and I’m a big fan of Justin Baldoni’s efforts to combat domestic violence. On a lighter note…if you need a laugh, this clip of Ryan Reynolds, his mom and Hugh Jackman interviewing Blake’s other love interest in the film (played by Brandon Sklenar) had me cracking up.

• 🫱🏾‍🫲🏼 I watched Ava DuVernay’s Origin over a month ago and haven’t stopped thinking about it. It moved me to tears multiple times and educated me in ways I didn’t expect. Should be required viewing, IMO.

🎧 Caffeinated Listening

• 🎶 Maren Morris has had quite the year (she got divorced, left country music, and came out as bisexual) and her journey is reflected in the five songs that make up her new EP, Intermission. I’ve had the album on repeat — I love every song — and can’t wait to see her in concert this month.

• 🎙️ I’ve always been open about my experience living with anxiety and panic attacks (will cover this in a future issue) and have found that understanding the science behind both is an empowering tool for coping. This podcast episode dives into the different types of stress and anxieties we deal with, why they make us feel the way they do, and how we can help ourselves heal (and fight off other issues like “popcorn brain”).

📚 Caffeinated Reading

• ✍🏼 I’m now averaging about one cry a week thanks to Josie Balka’s poems. Love this one:

🧶 Caffeinated Crafting

• 🐚 I made one of those viral “coastal grandma” seashell crafts and it got a coveted spot…on our toilet.

🛍️ Caffeinated Style

• Love these dupes of the viral Jeffrey Campbell sandals. These Target ones are cute, too.

💄Caffeinated Beauty

• My sister has had insane results with this lash serum, so I went ahead and purchased it myself. I’ve only been using it for a couple weeks and already notice a difference in my length.

• Purchased the NUDESTIX NUDIES Matte Cream Bronzer in Sunkissed after Sofia Richie raved about it (she wore it on her wedding day) and I love the way the color looks on my summer-tanned skin.

🍴Caffeinated Kitchen

• I promised a coffee/espresso, matcha or tea recipe with every issue — here’s the first! Grab those blueberries in your fridge (you know you won’t use all of them) and make this blueberry iced latte via A Cozy Kitchen.

• I’ve been making Empress 75 with Empress 1908 Indigo Gin. It’s light, bubbly, buzzy and pretty.

• Need to make these Olympics double chocolate muffins this weekend.

📚 Caffeinated Community

• 🐐 Broward friends: Downward Goat is hosting goat yoga in Sunshine Ranches this Saturday morning at 9 a.m.! I’ve been several times and love it.

• 🐶 South Florida animal shelters are overwhelmed and at capacity right now — please consider fostering, adopting, volunteering or simply sharing photos/posts of adoptable pets from your local shelters’ social media accounts. I’m planning on volunteering for a Broward Buddies outing this month.

• 🏃🏻‍♀️ Signing up for Zoo Miami’s 2024 ZooRun 5k this November!

Some final sips:

• So many incredible and moving moments at the Olympics…but this one practically had me in tears. 🇺🇸

• Love seeing Pamela Anderson “return to her roots” — seems like she’s living her best and most peaceful life.

• Using clip-on earrings as buttons? Genius styling hack via Viv Chen.

• The power of fashion, as told by a woman dressing for cancer.

• These Le Petale candles look…delicious.

• Anyone have this coffee maker mug? I feel like it’s only fair that I own one, given the name of my newsletter.

• This Upper West Side apartment and this Parisian-inspired West Village home…a girl can dream.

• I want to hug everyone who fostered and helped clear the animal shelters ahead of Tropical Storm Debby.

• Very intrigued by Ryan Murphy’s new medical drama, Doctor Odyssey — and love the cast (I’ll watch Joshua Jackson in anything).

• Can’t stop laughing at this or, “to the windows, to the Walz”.

• I’m all about romanticizing everyday life and channeling our main character/Nancy Meyers protagonist energy, so this gets my stamp of approval (via Ali LaBelle of A La Carte, for The Big Salad’s July Edit):

If you’ve read this far, thank you. This newsletter has already brought me so much joy. Writing this feels like a little date with my inner self and I couldn’t be more grateful for those of you who are along for the ride commentary. 😉

See you next week!

☕️, Steph